Yes it’s been a while

Quite a few friends have asked what’s wrong, are you OK, and one friend wanted to know if I’ve been on vacation since October.  I’ve decided it’s time I reply honestly so you will stop worrying about me. 

I had two enjoyable but stressful weeks of retreating in October/November.  It was only stressful to me and I wasn’t real sure why.  The conference room was bothering me for the first time ever for one thing.  See I have claustrophobia and have for years, but thought I’d beat it.  However I found it was gradually creeping back and more and more things were bothering me. 

Because the conference room has no windows I'd tricked my mind into believing there was a huge picture window behind me as I sewed.   For some reason it wasn’t working this year and between that and all the normal chatter and noises, I was more and more uncomfortable.  Some of you noticed I wasn’t joining in the group meals and was keeping to myself a lot. 

I already had an appointment with my family Doctor when I got home, and he noticed something was bothering me.  (OK, I broke down while waiting for him in the examining room so it was hard not to notice.)  We had a good talk and he put me on some new meds. 

If you know me you know I hate taking medicines.  Adding another one to my already too many was stressful in itself.  But that I needed it was even worse.  And I realized that I did really need it when my house filled up with eight extra people on Thanksgiving.  All that “company” even though it was all family was just too much for me. 

And we had this planned vacation to Disney, the most magical and crowded place I can think of.  I wasn’t sure how it would go and well… it went so so.  I had a panic attack the first day, and prepared myself mentally for the rest of the week, and I made it through with some anxiety and a lot of encouragement from my dear sweet John.  In the end I can say I had a delightful but chilly trip but boy am I glad to be home.

Please understand I am fighting this, but it’s going to take a while.  Just don’t crowd me and don’t push me into something I am uncomfortable with.  I’ll be OK.